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Success and loss

Success and loss

I debated myself on how to write this update. I figured I’d only report the good news and leave off the hard stuff. But that’s not our reality and not much of a picture of what this life is like. 

But I’ll start with the good stuff. We had several MAJOR successes this week! 

•we successfully grew barley fodder. We took one pound of barley seed and turned it into six pounds of sprouted fodder! And even better... the pig and chicks loved it! We will be able to provide fresh greens all winter for pennies 

•we had our three ducklings show up alive. Unfortunately that was not the case with the first ones and my heart is still broken over it. 

•we got a new set of tractor tires for cheap! Again Justins friendship and love for others payed off and God used our relationships to help us be able to afford these major things 

•my meal worm farming is paying off and they have started to enter the next phase toward becoming beetles. This will let me feed the chickens and ducks wonderful protein all year with a self sustaining system that will pay for itself hundreds of times over. They are also fed extra calcium in their water gel so they are super healthy. 

•even though it may be too late in the season, my tomatoes have flowered, the squash is thriving, the corn and sunflowers are more than knew hight and all of my carrots and greens have come in. Not bad for a first timer!  •my little seeds I wrote about last week have sprouted and the tradition will carry on with me and I will have the little berries soon!

If that was all i decided to share it would look like we are doing really well and everything is ok! And don’t misunderstand me. We are doing well! The kids are thriving and we have never been more happy! But...

•one of our ducklings died for no apparent reason. It happened on a day that I was already falling apart. I struggle with severe anxiety, panic disorder, depression and PTSD. Most days are fine. But with months of this virus, moving here, sustaining my sanity for my family, supporting everyone, still doing my job, not sleeping much, a predator around at night, the hundreds of things still left to be done and the looming school year ahead, I crumbled under it all. This coming Friday is the 11th birthday of my eldest son who is in heaven now. And next Tuesday is a horrible anniversary for me from just two years. And so I’m secretly falling apart inside. 

But I suppose even today was a success. Juston and our oldest son have left for Colorado to collect the last of our things. Leaving me to care for the other children and the farm alone. I admit it is overwhelming but I have survived this way before and for much much longer. This will be nothing like the deployments we had gotten used to. And with my daughter older,  I have a friend and someone who can help me out. We cared for the animals. We made meals for the little boys. I painted her fingernails and we watched a movie. I didn’t do any extra. I didn’t even get out the list to cross anything off. We just survived and enjoyed a moment of relaxing. 

For a few days I will be here with the total responsibility of three children, two ducklings, two dogs, ten chickens, one pig and the rest of the farm. And as long as everyone is fed at the end of the day it is a success, despite the feelings I hold about the loss of the past days and years. 

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